Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
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the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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