My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
thus making me awesome and them whores
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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