I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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