I hate your face
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
