can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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