meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
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Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
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FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
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