He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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