one might say we're banned from that church
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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