So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
