I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
