I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
