I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
