shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Randomize
