she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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