and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
