Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
