Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
