I'm going to jail i love you
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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