But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
