I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
