I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
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