I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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