I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
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