You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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