Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
