I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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