"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize