I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite