My Higher Power is John Stamos
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that