I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
