i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
