Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
