I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
