Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
