She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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