you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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