Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
