He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
