It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
