Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
