Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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