My girlfriend figured out who you are.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
