I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
