I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize