having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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