things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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