someone threw a dead crab at me
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
