ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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