True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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