I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
