my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
