FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
