Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
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