I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize